dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
