What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
