This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
