Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
