I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
