Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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