I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
