Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
