he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
