your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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