i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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