I'm sorry my penis didn't work
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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