well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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