If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
