I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
