I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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