we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
