one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
