Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
