I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
