We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
