Non-Jews are for practice
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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