Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
