i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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