rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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