just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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