Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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