I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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