someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
