If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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