I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
