apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My feet surprised me
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