Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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