well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
