Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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