you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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