apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
