I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
