I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
