And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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