I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
