and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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