Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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