What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
