I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
