: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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