just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
