someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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