It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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