I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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