WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
