and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
