Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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