you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
