i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
