Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
