i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
