He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
