True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
