Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
