It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
