I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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