I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
