My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
